The Chapman Zone Dave’s Blog

A waiter took a bottle of Merlot to a woman and said, “This is from the gentleman seated over there,” indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: “For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.”

While I was on my way back from Scotland, my Scouts took part in a nighthike competition called the Acorn Trophy.

What happens is, all the Troops from within the District enter teams of between four and six Scouts, and these teams walk a predetermined route out in the countryside (this year was around Denmead), from grid references alone. On the way round the course they have to stop at various locations to take part in a challenge of some kind. These challenges can be physical, mental, or of any sort, and the the teams are marked on their success at completing the challenge, as well as their teamworking abilities. At the end of the hike, the team with the highest score wins.

Tiffy, my predecessor and current Group Scout Leader, kindly agreed to take care of the arrangements for me, as I had only found out about the event a week or so before I went away to Scotland. I left it in his capable hands and forgot about Scouts for a week.

I got home just after the event started, but since we had been driving for eleven hours straight, I was in no fit state to be of any assistance, so I got to bed, promising myself I’d get up early and go see the award ceremony.

I woke up a little late, and by the time I’d had breakfast and got on my bike, I knew I would not make it in time. I put my toe down on the way there (or whatever the equivalent expression is for going really fast on a motorbike….well, really fast for a 125cc at least), but as I arrived, I could see they were all packing away their tents, so I looked around to see if I could spot my lot…

“Dave!”

I looked to my right and they were all standing in a group. “Oh, Hello!”

“We won!”

At that point my first instinct was to jump up and down like a loon, but I remembered that I was on my bike and in gear at the time, so I thought better of it. I would have liked to pull a wheelie up and down the car park, but since I don’t know how to do one, and my bike probably couldn’t manage one anyway, I thought better of that too. After I got off my bike, I wanted to give them all a hug and throw them about a bit, but I’d probably get in trouble for that, so I restrained myself to lots of “well done”s and “excellent!”s.

Needless to say I’m chuffed. Well chuffed. Extreeeeeeeeeeemely chuffed. As a Scout Leader you get days when you want to strangle the little b*st*rds, and other days when you are incredibly proud of them. Today is one of the latter. And its not really about them winning stuff - that’s just a bonus. To see them taking part in these things, applying what they’ve learned and really enjoying themselves, and seeing their pride at winning….well, it’s very cool.

So well done to the team that won it, and equal congratulations to the other team from 1st that came fourth - with a man short they managed to finish only nine points off second place. And thanks to Tom and Martin, for volunteering to walk the route with the boys. And to Tiffy and John for looking after the lads and manning a base, and to Matt, for organising the event - they thoroughly enjoyed it.

I’ve been in Scotland for a week…what a fantastic place it is. The scenery is lovely, and I have been able to relax and leave all the hustle and bustle of my life behind for a little while.

I’ll probably talk more about it in a future post. And hopefully put up some photos in a gallery once I get it started.

I run a Scout Troop on a Friday night, and last night I took some of the Scouts out for a night hike after the regular Troop meeting.

About half past nine we drove up to Beacon Hill, left the cars and walked a circular route of ten kilometres or so along part of the South Downs Way and Wayfarers Walk. Now, I should be grateful that it wasn’t raining or blowing a hooligan, but I really picked a bad night to do a hike. It was cloudy, and there was no moon to help us out, so large portions of the hike were totally pitch black. Even when the night vision kicked in, I ended up walking a section of road with my hands outstretched in front of me in case I walked into a tree!

It was good fun though - it’s been far too long since I did one of those, and the Scouts were in need of practise in night navigation, since I have neglected to programme any of these in for a long time. And best of all, none of them bitched or moaned or faked injury to avoid completing the route, even though the route was quite gruelling for the new guys.

Congratulations to Spoon and Limpet for reviving an old tested and quick method for descending Beacon Hill - give someone else your rucksack and then hurl yourself sideways down a 45 degree slope, rolling as far as possible while trying not to break anything.

And a big thank you to Cornell, for a: driving some of the Scouts out there at really short notice when one of the parents had to pull out through illness, and especially for coming out and picking them up again……at two thirty in the morning! God bless you C!

Well done to Aaron, Kyle and Spoon (The Pancake Eating Freaks) for getting through to the local final of the Rock Academy competition last Thursday. They didn’t win, but considering the acts that did (a cover band and a karaoke act!), I don’t think they took the defeat to heart. They are writing their own material and loving what they do, so good luck to them. I’m glad that I can help you guys out from time to time.

I think, once I get used to all this website business, I will devote a portion of my webspace to their own site, and bung some publicity stuff and mp3s up.

Are they on the road to stardom? Only time will tell…

I have to thrash thespacebar to get it to work.

I re-installed Windows on Sunday night…….I think it might have been all the head-butting that did it…..

In honour of my buddy Kyle, who works in Herbie’s Pizza…

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a credit/debit card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Bic Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. End the call with “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker that a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favourite song from Metallica’s ‘Master Of Puppets’ CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter ‘P’.

13. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

14. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

15. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

16. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

17. Tell the order taker that you are depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

18. Change your accent every three seconds.

19. Ask for 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

20. Start your order with “I’d like…”. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”

21. Ask if you get to keep the empty pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

22. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni”. Use the long “i” sound.

23. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred”.

24. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther away from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

25. Tell them to double-check to make sure that your pizza is, in fact, dead.

26. Imitate the order taker’s voice.

27. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

28. When they say “What would you like?”, say “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”

29. Play a sitar in the background.

30. Say its your anniversary and you’d appreciate it if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

31. Ask to see a menu.

32. Say you’llbe able to pay for this when the movie people call you back about your script.

33. Ask them if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

34. Ask what topping goes best with a well-aged chardonnay.

35. Belch directly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog it ought to be ashamed.

36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself and say “Where was I? Who are you?”

38. Ask them what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again, in a different voice. Repeat as often as you can

39. Order two toppings, then say “No, they’ll start fighting.”

40. Call to complain about the service. Later, call again and say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.

41. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.

42. Use expletives like “Great Ceasar’s ghost!”, or “Jesus, Mary and Joseph in Tinseltown!”

43. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

44. Try to talk while drinking something.

45. Start the conversation with “My call to [pizza place]. Take 1……action!”

46. Ask if the pizza is organically reared.

47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

48. Be vague in your order.

49. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.

50. Start the conversation with “[Today's date]…this may be my last entry.”

51. State your order, and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.

52. Ask if they are familiar with the term “spanking a pizza”. Make up a description and ask that this be done to your pizza.

53. Detect the order taker’s aura. Use it to your advantage.

54. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

55. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

56. Put them on hold.

57. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

58. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it do you?”

59. When you’re given the price, say “Oooooh, that’s a bit complicated. I hate maths.”

60. Haggle.

61. Order a one-inch pizza.

62. When they say “Will that be all?”, giggle and say “Well, we’ll just have to see, won’t we?”

63. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

64. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often, and act embarrassed.

65. Avoid actually using the word “pizza” at all costs. If the order taker says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”

66. Have a good crime movie on TV playing in the background. Yell “OW!” every time a shot is fired.

67. Ask if the pizza has had its inoculations.

68. Order a steamed pizza

69. If the order taker suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

Yeah……………

Hello everybody. I’m going to start posting to this site soon.

Just as soon as I can think of something interesting to talk about.

Bear with me………..