I was just watching a retrospective on Blackadder, and its true that most people think Rowan Atkinson began and ended with this and Mr Bean, but he was an incredibly funny stand up comic once upon a time…
I shall no doubt grace you with more sketches at a later date…
Now that I’ve finally sussed out how to put video clips on here from Youtube, here’s on of my favourites…
I know it’s lame to just post old joke e-mails onto your blog, but I am getting harassed at work to remove all that have been on there longer than a year, so I am forced to have a clear out. Rather than lose them to the cyber-ether, I thought I’d share them with you (again, in some cases):
Gazetteer of the World (2nd edition) - Selected Research 1997. These are actual place names around the world:
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Bastard (Norway)
Twatt (Shetland, UK)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Shafter (California, USA)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall, UK)
Lord Berkeley’s Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Seymen (Turkey)
Turdo (Romania)
Fukum (Yemen)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Tittybong (Australia)
Dikshit (India)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Chinaman’s Knob (Australia)
The following are all replies that Sydney Western Suburbs women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Trev Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?
Thanks.
4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives an Excel that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact Excel dealers in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.
5. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the NSW economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
6. I do not know who the father of my child was as all soldiers look the same to me. I can confirm that he was an infantryman.
7. Bazza Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disneyworld
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Jamie Oliver did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.
Bono, the lead singer of U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total silence.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,
“Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
A broad Scottish voice from near the front of the crowd pierces the silence…
“Well, stop f*cking clapping then!”
Dave is gay camp bi-curious my bestest friend who really should get on and post something on his blog.
Bleh! Did I really just say that????
Write something you lazy gobs***e! You’re full of useless fact when we’re in the same room, yet you can’t write anything on here???
I haxxx00000rrrred his blog! Collin
…or perhaps not, as some of the photos are actually thought-provoking.
(Strong language used in some examples though, so take caution)…
http://www.picturesofwalls.com/
LETTERS TO THE UK PRESS NEVER PUBLISHED
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it, makes me proud to be British.
- Ben Hunt, Chiswick
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they’re telling us we are living too long and there’ll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they’d make their minds up.
- John Moore, Birmingham
‘Alton Towers Fun Park - Where the magic never ends’, or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
- Colum Hill, Manchester
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next-day delivery.
- L Palmer, London
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
- P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I’d just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s m!nge. He hasn’t seen my wife’s, so who’s had the last laugh?
- P Bell, Leeds
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.
- Paul Mulraney, Belfast
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked ‘What ‘C’ would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?’ to which I confidently replied ‘*unt’. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one’s family?
- Noel, Leeds
My friend’s mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
- Alun Daniel, Bradford
I’ll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
- Alan Thakray, Liverpool
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson’s remake of the classic ‘Life of Brian’ wasn’t anywhere near as funny as the original?
- Michael P, Cheltenham
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They’ve obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
- Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
- T Barnham, London
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
- Les W, Barnsley
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the ‘N’ word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son’s football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it’s one law for the rich and another for the poor.
- Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven’t told the poor sods?
- John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
- Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series “Manhunt” where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don’t the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
- Shuggie, e-mail
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of “There is Nothing Left to Lose” by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
- Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is “satisfied that David Kelly took his own life”. He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn’t this taking gloating just a little too far?
- Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I never worry about the destination when I’m going on holiday. My dad isIranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
- Stan, London
What’s all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world’s oldest mum? My mum’s 77. Beat that.
- Thomas J., Ilford
What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up’s. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up’s say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that’s a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that’s silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say’s Uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.
While the grown up’s went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say’s she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred’s & thousands on it.
All the other grown up’s have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that’s why I got taken on holiday.
The grown ups went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown ups started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.